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Updates for Duke Nukem Forever..

Not like you should care, but unfortunately if you do, I’ve got everything you need to know about the near future for Duke Nukem Forever.

I had the luxury of reviewing this gem, and I’m perplexed that this game is receiving downloadable content. These allegations required a deeper investigation.

According to VGchartz.com, Duke Nukem Forever has somehow sold roughly 750,000 copies across all platforms, and was amongst the highest selling games in the month of June. Hype and proper marketing can work wonders, and I’m sure 2K Games and Gearbox probably feels like they got away with murder, but it really makes you wonder what the sales on this game would have been if it was a quality product.

Duke Nukem Forever’s sales may not be honest, but apparently enough people own this game to warrant some DLC. I’m just wondering if the people who bought this game are still playing it.

Nevertheless, Duke Nukem Forever’s first DLC offering is labeled as the “Hail to the Icons Parody Pack,” and is coming to Xbox 360, PS3, and PC this fall.

“The pack contains three new game modes, and four new multiplayer maps – each with new weapons– and, this pack will be free to all First Access Club members who registered their FAC membership prior to the launch of Duke Nukem Forever.”    

Wait a second… they’re going to make people, or those who aren’t super cool exclusive First Access Club members, pay for the DLC in this game? If robbing you by purchasing this toxic waste wasn’t enough, they want money for DLC? I don’t see this being a worthwhile investment for either party here. I don’t see a lot of people paying for DLC in this game considering it’s overwhelmingly lackluster experience, and I don’t see how 2K Games and Gearbox benefit from wasting their time and money on creating DLC that a lot of people aren’t going to buy. I wonder if there’s a certain level of denial as a developer to cash your chips and accept the fact that you didn’t make a good game.

Here are the new game modes in case you’re still with me:

“Freeze Tag provides some of the most fun team gameplay in Duke Nukem Forever.  Players cooperate to freeze and shatter their opponents in succession for huge point streaks and combos.  See who can hold on to the babe the longest in Hot Potato and play free-for-all Duke style in Hail to the King.”

Outside of Freeze Tag there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot going on here that makes me want to put this game back into my disc tray.

Here are the four new maps:

Call of Duke – Duke engages in modern combat in a war-torn city. Foes don’t stand a chance against the Duke when he spams the map with the N00b T00b.

Sandbox – Players take the role of mini-Duke in a giant sandbox with two bases at either end made out of children’s toys. This map features Sticky Bombs.

Inferno – Time machine engage! Duke does combat in a hellish landscape of lava and teleporters. Who turned on the 16-bit graphics, and more importantly, where did this DFG come from?

2Forts1Bridge – Hats? Duke doesn’t need no stinking hats. Give him a minigun and he’ll beat off all comers.

In snarky Duke Nukem fashion it appears we have a few pokes being dished out here. Call of Duke looks like a stab at Call of Duty, and even more interestingly, 2Forts1Bridge looks like a joint poke at Team Fortress 2 and a not so G-rated video on the internet.

Despite everything I just said if you are deeply excited for these new updates for Duke Nukem, then I have some more good news for you:

2K Games is hosting multilayer matches of Duke Nukem Forever, new updates already included, at their headquarters in Novato, California (about 30 minutes north of San Francisco) on August 4^th.    

If you are over 17 and can make it to 2K’s office at either 4 PM or 6 PM, email 2KElizabeth@2KGames.com with the subject like "DNF Dukematch!" and include the following information:

- Full name

- Age

- Address

- Top 2 forums you like to post on in 2K’s forums (and your username!)

- What time you are available to play

 

ALL HAIL THE KING BABY!...that is…if we’re talking about James Brown, or B.B. King, or Elvis, or Lebron James, or any other monarchical beings that don’t include Duke Nukem..