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Battle of the Sexes - Left4Dead

Man has often wondered of gender comparisons between the two sexes. Modern male gamers are naturally curious as to whether they as a gender are superior in the skills of video game challenge than that of the fairer sex. Modern female gamers have similarly wondered how they can use video games in their continuing quest, to prove all men wrong.

One group has taken it upon themselves to find the answer. A pack of friends who have decided to call themselves the SSS (Sexy Sexists for Science) have taken it upon themselves to find the answer. I was allowed to sit in on one of their bi-weekly gaming experiments to help find the answer to that question that has plagued humanity since the dawn of Q-Bert: Are men better at video games than women?

It's a Friday night and tensions are high. Four girls, four guys, three desktops, five laptops, twenty-four cans of Mountain Dew, three large pizzas and a generous amount of breadsticks. The Wi-Fi is connected, and tonight's experiment of choice is uploaded. Left4Dead. A versus mode game is loaded up, and the challengers from both sides meet up in the lobby for pre-slaughter banter. The guys won the coin toss and will be starting as Infected, while the girls begin play as Survivors.

"We've got this one in the bag; Jeff's girlfriend doesn't know the first thing about giving a good headshot." One of the infected is quick to taunt.

"She knows a lot less than you, that's for sure!" Comes Jeff's quick retort.

"Burn!" Alana encourages the infighting amongst the guys' team. She is the bustiest of the females, and thus has the honor of playing as Zoey, the only playable female Survivor of the game.

The match begins! Four long rounds of the girls wading through hordes of disgusting, smelly, shambling bipeds with no regard for their appearance or concern if anyone watches while they scratch their own rotting gray matter. "Just like guys." Alana observes.

The girls put up a tremendous fight, making use of rifles, shotguns, and pistols as they clear their way through the hordes of zombies. The guys put up a valiant blockade, but the girls push through to victory on the first two stages. Then comes stage three. The girls are ambushed by a Boomer as soon as they exit the safe house. They are all struck blind with a horde of zombies rushing towards them from all sides. They spam their melee attacks in an effort to drive back the horde and protect their most injured. But the guys have a trick up their sleeve. Two Hunters have spawned and are crouched high, and they both pounce simultaneously incapacitating two of the survivors. A Smoker attacks with his tongue, and traps a third! Soon all the survivors are overwhelmed and become tasty meals for the undead swarm.

The guys exchange high fives and share a celebratory toast with their Mountain Dew cans. "Hax!" Accuses Kristine, but Alana holds to her Spartan reserve. "We'll kick their butts in the next round."

The places switch, it is time for the guys to take their turn as survivors in the same level where they so easily demolished the girls. The scores have been all but even up until now, and they see their chance to leap ahead. The safe house door opens, and the guys rush out, only to be met with their very same tactic. A well-positioned Boomer explodes, but only manages to blind three. Two Hunters pounce, and the Smoker lashes out with her tongue, each striking true to their target. "Shoot the tongue! Shoot the tongue! You're right there!" shouts Jeff, as he watches the single Survivor who avoided incapacitation run away from the zombie horde. "Save us you coward!" But the survivor does not turn back.

"It's called Left4Dead."

"He's rushing it!" Alana panics. Three of the infected are held immobile themselves as they devour the delicious human flesh of the downed Survivors. The fourth is impatiently watching a respawn timer tick down. Francis continues to run, passing by the slow-moving normal infected as if they were standing still, barely pausing to bash one out of the way with the butt of his shotgun.

"Don't worry, I got this." Kristine glances over her screen towards the boys with a wicked grin.

"Oh sh!t. She just got a Tank."

The music changes and the most feared zombie of Left4Dead stands directly between Francis victory into the safe house only yards away. The Tank lunges forward and with a single swipe of his massive fist sends a parked car tumbling end over end, right on top of Francis, instantly incapacitating him. "Darnit! We could have won if you rescued us in the beginning instead of rushing it!"

The final round comes, and goes. Both teams make it to the rooftop where a helicopter is on its way to rescue them. Neither team survives the first Tank. The game ends and the final scores are tallied up. It's the third round that made all the difference. The girls stuck by each other during the worst situation the game could provide, and by those nurturing protective instincts, they all died together. The guys split up and all tried to save their own butt first, which ultimately led them to selfish victory.

"You guys only won because Nick is a d!ckhead." Alana makes the parting shot as the computers are packed up, and the remaining slices of pizza are consumed.

"That's why guys are better at video games. We're d!cks."

Mystery solved!

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