More than just a crush on a tutor

[invergal]

I have had feelings for one of my tutors (in his early thirties) at my university all year. As he had recently resigned for another job in a different city I decided to ask him out to dinner before he leaves. When I asked him he seemed pleasantly surprised and said that he is trying to think of a time where we can have dinner before he leaves. He said he would get back to me the following day.

The next day he told me that his answer is no but yes, due to the small town we live in where everyone knows each other and him being a recognized tutor from university. He gave me his phone number and email address and said that we can have dinner next year in the city if I want to contact him (coincidentally I was planning to further my study next year in the same city he was going to). The last days before he left were awkward to say the least. He would no longer maintain eye contact with me in class and is tense whenever we interact.


I have lost all perspectives on this situation and am confused on whether he is interested in me or not. Was this his way of letting me down gently or is he genuinely interested? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

[Nikki]

Invergal,

I'm not sure how old you are, but I will assume since you are in college that you are somewhere between 18 and 22.

My first caution must be that if anything does become of this, relationships with a 10 year age difference at your age can be very difficult. A couple being 20 and 30 years old respectively tends to have issues with their age difference more than a couple that is 40 and 50.

It is possible that his initial reaction to your invitation surprised and flattered him. The change in his behavior could be an indication that he is not interested, or if he is, is worried about possible implications of the two of you dating (i.e. age difference, the fact he was your tutor). If he does in fact share feelings for you, it could just be shyness and not knowing how he should act around you now that you have expressed your feelings.

I think the easiest way for you to figure out what is going on (whether he was letting you down gently or if he's interested) would be to send him an e-mail. You don't need to send anything with much weight behind it. Just something along the lines of...

Hi,

Just thought I'd check in with you and see how your move went. Hope you're doing well...


Keep it short and sweet. If he responds, move on from there. If he doesn't, then you've gotten your answer also.

Good Luck!

Nikki

[invergal]

Thanks for the lengthy reply and the advice it is very helpful and helps me see the situation more clearly. I am 23. I guess I am just confused that if he isn't interested why couldn't he tell me on the first day? I had told him that I had expected him to say no because I am realistic about the complications it may bring. And he had answered that if he wasn't leaving he would have said no straight away. However on the second day he is singing a complete different tune.

Thanks again for the fast and helpful reply.