Little Known facts about Jack Bauer

[FreakMagnet]

There is one man too powerful for even Chuck Norris to confront. And that man is Jack Bauer.

We feel it is high time that everyone learned a bit more about the man entrusted to safeguard our national security:

1. When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

2. Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.

3. Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.

4. Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.

5. After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."

6. Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

7. Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.

8. Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

9. Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.

10. The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.



** original post at http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/the...uer/index.html **

[PaSte]

Ooooh! A challenge!
[ul][*]Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.[*]Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.[*]Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.[*]The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.[*]Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.[*]If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.[*]Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.[*]When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.[*]The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.[*]Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.[*]Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.[*]There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.[*]Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.[*]In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.[*]Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.[*]Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.[*]Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.[*]Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.[*]A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.[*]Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.[*]Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.[*]Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."[*]Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.[*]The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.[*]Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"[*]Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.[*]Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.[*]Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.[*]Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.[*]Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.[*]Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.[*]Chuck Norris is not hung li

[FreakMagnet]

* If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered.

* Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".

* Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.

* Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.

* On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.

* Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.

* Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.

* GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

[ProdigalSon]

OK, I had no idea who Jack was, so I searched and found this.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

It's official, chuck sucks, jack is back.

[FreakMagnet]

If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

During an interrogation, Jack Bauer ripped off the suspects head and yelled into the exposed esophagus, “I’M JACK BAUER!!!” This caused a chain reaction of the stomach exploding due to an overflow of testosterone and crap soaked walls.

Jack Bauer eats C4 and poops terrorists

One night Jack Bauer hit the clubs of LA with Mr. Shin and got annihilated. When he came to he found himself in a Cambodian sweatshop. He was so outraged he shot everybody 2 times in the chest and once in the head. When people asked why he simply replied, “I’m Jack Bauer!”

Jack Bauer once ate his own face just to show how truly awesome he is.

4 years ago Jack Bauer picked up an addiction to heroine just so he could beat the crap out of it. (This is exceptionally funny because at the time this was written, the author was unaware that Jack Bauer actually did do heroine)

At Chase and Kim’s wedding, Jack drank a gallon of Vodka from a plastic jug and proceeded to puke all over his daughter’s wedding dress while giving her away just because he needed to have a moment.

After eating a 1 chimichanga, 2 enchiladas, 1 carne asada taco, and a torta, Jack Bauer immediately rushed to the restroom, pulled down his pants, and said “Terrorize this!”

Jack Bauer is most happy when his death count for the day exceeds 1,000

Jack Bauer does not need any explosive devices because he’s already “Tha’ Bomb”.

Old Faithful, located in Yellowstone National Park, is actually caused to erupt by Jack’s blood pressure

Jack Bauer never uses a bullet-proof vest. Instead, he relies on his mane of chest hair to stop any bullet that tries to penetrate his skin.

Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant.

Jack Bauer challenged Eddie Guererro to a wrestling match. Jack Bauer won the match with a frog splash from the top rope.

Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head!

Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.

[noobontherun]

jack bauer went to the toilet upon finding himself there he sat thinking.......... pulled out his pen and wrote a note on the wall
HERE I SIT BROKEN HEARTED CAME ALL THIS WAY AND ONLY FARTED

[FreakMagnet]

If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered.

[FreakMagnet]

VP Cheney didn't think Jack Bauer's body count was high enough

[ShutUpHoe]

here's a little something about chuck nurris that you might wanna chek out
[link=http://www.wimp.com/norris/]http://www.wimp.com/norris/[/link]
he was younger then.