[FreakMagnet]

If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

During an interrogation, Jack Bauer ripped off the suspects head and yelled into the exposed esophagus, “I’M JACK BAUER!!!” This caused a chain reaction of the stomach exploding due to an overflow of testosterone and crap soaked walls.

Jack Bauer eats C4 and poops terrorists

One night Jack Bauer hit the clubs of LA with Mr. Shin and got annihilated. When he came to he found himself in a Cambodian sweatshop. He was so outraged he shot everybody 2 times in the chest and once in the head. When people asked why he simply replied, “I’m Jack Bauer!”

Jack Bauer once ate his own face just to show how truly awesome he is.

4 years ago Jack Bauer picked up an addiction to heroine just so he could beat the crap out of it. (This is exceptionally funny because at the time this was written, the author was unaware that Jack Bauer actually did do heroine)

At Chase and Kim’s wedding, Jack drank a gallon of Vodka from a plastic jug and proceeded to puke all over his daughter’s wedding dress while giving her away just because he needed to have a moment.

After eating a 1 chimichanga, 2 enchiladas, 1 carne asada taco, and a torta, Jack Bauer immediately rushed to the restroom, pulled down his pants, and said “Terrorize this!”

Jack Bauer is most happy when his death count for the day exceeds 1,000

Jack Bauer does not need any explosive devices because he’s already “Tha’ Bomb”.

Old Faithful, located in Yellowstone National Park, is actually caused to erupt by Jack’s blood pressure

Jack Bauer never uses a bullet-proof vest. Instead, he relies on his mane of chest hair to stop any bullet that tries to penetrate his skin.

Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant.

Jack Bauer challenged Eddie Guererro to a wrestling match. Jack Bauer won the match with a frog splash from the top rope.

Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head!

Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.